In 2007, when I first came to the United States, I was excited.. Strange land.. no friends.. no family.. new place..nothing remotely similar to what I know..and instead of being terrified.. I was excited. Ofcourse, my reasons for coming were not the best (in retrospect), yet, I was excited about the possibilities.. not nervous, not terrified, plain and simple excited.
Fast forward to 6.5 years later.. here I am.. buried deep in my comfort zone of a dead end job, lousy pay and less than exciting (if any) possibilities. I had no idea how I got here to start with, what was coming and.. worse.. what to expect. I got ripped and uprooted from MY ZONE on the 27th of April, 2013..well... atleast that's when it started. It was a nice and bright Saturday morning here at Kansas City (Oh please!! People have lived at worse places). Let me give you a backdrop of my regular Saturdays. I don't wake up till noon probably, spend all day catching up with all the shows I like and missed through the week...manage to go grocery shopping (sometimes) but mostly stay in bed, happy that everything is fine (no its not.. but it's easier to believe it is). That said, this Saturday was different, I was up early and surprisingly in high spirits. I actually wanted to get out of bed, go out, breathe some fresh air, maybe go to a park and read a book...and all those normal things..and So I did.. Less than 5 mins to the drive, I know something was wrong. The driver in the car next to me starting changing lanes.. No, I was not in his blind spot.. I was RIGHT NEXT TO HIM! I honked as hard and loud as I could, but he came on over anyway and I swerved into the tiny driveway that showed up. It was not too little but definitely too late. I was hit, my tire went flat and my engine shut down (I actually surprised myself by not panicking and swerving into the driveway). I walked out without a scratch. The other driver was disoriented at first but not hurt. I guess, no one was hurt, so that's all matters. (NO!!.. I FREAKING LOVE MY CAR!!)
My Car :(
So much for wanting to get out of bed on a Saturday morning! Anyway, I spent the rest of the weekend, trying to reach his insurance people, going over the whole thing in my head over and over again thinking to myself.. what if I had done something else instead, what if I had stopped at the gas station for a minute, what if I started 2 mins earlier or later from my house.. I went over different possibilities.. how could I have avoided this really stupid accident. Yes, I call it stupid, because it was not supposed to happen.. I was RIGHT NEXT TO HIM for crying out loud..Common!! I was devastated to leave my car there and know that most likely, it was going to get salvaged. There was no way the insurance company was going to pay to fix the damages.. I just knew it.. but did not want to say out loud.. hoping I was wrong.. Well, I wasn't. My car got salvaged/totaled..whatever!
Fast forward the boring and uneventful Monday and there I was.. heading into Tuesday (April 30th, 2013), still not knowing what was to come. I should have known something was up, when my company's other partner showed up at the office and asked to meet with me. She does that sometimes, usually it is about project updates blah blah.. not this time. She delivered the Oh! So Sweet news.....I got laid off. That was my official two week notice to pack it up and move on. Surprisingly again, I din't panic. I thanked her for the opportunity etc etc.. She changed her mind after a couple of days.. Oh no.. I am still laid-off.. but she wanted me to stay till the end of June instead of just two weeks.
I went home and avoided looking at all mirrors. I did not want to see the terror in my eyes and stress on my face. With my visa expiring soon, I was pretty sure that this is it.. and I should plan to go home (India) now.. for good. Tell my goodbyes, visit my friends, and move....Ofcourse, I changed my mind after a couple of days. I found some deeply buried and forgotten confidence inside me to TRY!
Fast forward to a month(ish) later.. Still no job prospects, no car and long distance friends. I guess, its about time I came to the point... I am exactly where I started 6.5 years back... with no guarantees, new grounds to break, new places to go to, no family and no friends around.. except this time.. I am terrified!! I don't know when I got so comfortable in my life, and so complacent that the idea of starting from scratch again seems like a nightmare. Shit hit the fan and I got yanked out of my oblivious life.
I wonder, is this what age and responsibility does to people? Rethink/over think and stress over anything that is not in their comfort zone? Or is this just plain complacency? What is it that keeps us from trying.? What is it that drowns us in constant doubt? Is it the fear of failure? What is it that is keeping me from being the person I imagined I would be 6.5 years back? I wonder....
